My cousin died last year, which for all intents and purposes sparked my reset.
She was this really kind, soft spoken, smart woman who was taken from us far too soon. She didn’t tell people she was sick, literally her co-workers were at her funeral, shocked because she had been at work two weeks before. She never complained, powered through and leaned on her husband her most. And then… she died.
That death has devastated me in the most obvious and maybe not so obvious ways. Obviously, I am sad that my cousin died, and for a long while after you could see it on my face. I can talk about her death and not get teary-eyed these days.
What’s not so obvious is when I lay in bed at night and replay all the events in my life that I’m not so proud of, the times I wasn’t so good to people, the times I wasn’t my best and think, if I died tonight could I go with a clear conscience? Am I a good enough person? Am I living my best life?
I am a wife, a mother, a friend, except in recent years I don’t believe I’ve been very good at any of these things because I’m spread far too thin, trying to be all things to all people. I rush and run from place to place trying to get things done; not taking time for anything but making time for everything. Rushing to the gym, rushing my kids through their breakfast, or their stories from their day, rushing my husband to get ready, rushing the elderly dog to walk faster so I can get back to whatever it is I need to be doing.
Time… something for now, I seem to have plenty of. After my cousin died, I decided it was time for me to take control of that time, to use it wisely. What am I so pressed to do? Why do I have to take on so much? Why can’t I be happy just being? I knew that I needed to shift my focus and practice more mindfulness — being in the moment, enjoying my kids, my husband, my friends, taking time for the things that actually matter. Do I have to volunteer for the kid’s school party, and be on the parent’s guild? Well, sure, it’s nice, but I’m not a bad mom if I don’t do it.
In recent months, I’ve prioritized my relationships, my kids, my husband and even that old dog of mine. I’ve focused on giving them the attention that they need, and not rushing them through things. I’ve let my kids tell me the same story ten times, without batting an eyelash. I’ve stopped judging myself, and realized that I am good enough, and not to waste this time I’ve been given.
My cousin ran out of time, but I haven’t so I have to use it as wisely as possible!