My Flowing Tears

I have purged.

In short order, I’ve parted with my husband, my high-paying job of 12 years, my below market-value rental home and my life as I knew it.

Necessity, three moves and a much smaller apartment dictate that I part with the physical. I let go of more than 13 very large boxes of clothing and accessories, selling it and donating it.

Dealing with the memories is the hardest part — a treasured gift or a souvenir bought on a business trip, every one laden with history. It’s taken a lot of breathing, a lot of sorting through my emotions and a lot of just plain old tears.

There are tears mourning a life that I will never live again, tears for the passing of time, tears fearing I’ll never put this all back together again, tears, reflection, facing fear, breathing, sighing, accepting what is now.

I’m resetting my perception of my tears as a signal that something is wrong. They are a reflection of my humanity and rising to replace the voids left by my loss and purged things.

Now, at my yoga class, two years into this mess, I mention that my ex-husband just lost his job (again), so now we have no health insurance (again). My friend says you seem to be handling it all so well.

I shrug. I say I’ve come to realize that the tears just come and go, the problems just come and go, the only thing I can do is just keep pedaling forward. Just keep checking things off the list, letting it go and really really appreciating all of those things that so many people don’t have, like my good health, my very good friends.

And yes – my tears – they flow and they let me know my body is working.

My life is happening. I’m lucky in so many ways. I may have lost my marriage, my job and my home all in 15 months, but what I do have is my strength, my resolve, my tears flowing and pushing me forward, washing away the past and helping me flow into the future.